By J. Mark Fox

Yes, it's true. A family-integrated church can have problems. I have figured out a way, though, to eliminate all the problems in the church. All of them. You ready for this?

Get rid of all the people.

That's right. As long as there is one person in the church, there will be conflict. You have heard the story of the man, perhaps, who was stranded by himself on a deserted island for seven years. When he was finally found, he showed his rescuers around the island. They noticed he had built three huts for himself, and asked him what they were for.

"This one is where I live," he said, pointing to the first hut. "This one is where I go to church," pointing to the third hut.

"What's the other hut for?" the rescuers asked.

"That's where I used to go to church."

That's the sad truth. Even if the church consisted of you all by yourself, there would be conflict. So, how do we deal with it?

There have been books, even series of books, written about dealing with church conflict. I do not presume to know anything that anyone who has written about the subject doesn't know. But I can tell you from my experience, and from the Bible, that conflict in any church is inevitable.

The first church was rocking along pretty smoothly until Ananias and Sapphira decided to lie to the apostles about their offering. You can read about it in Acts 5, but the conflict between leadership and members was short, but not sweet. They lied and they died. End of story.

I would like to say that the conflict we have had at Antioch has been dealt with that quickly (if not that dramatically!), but it hasn't.

The second time we see conflict in the early church happened right after Ananias and Sapphira caught a red-eye out of there.

You can read about it in Chapter 6 of Acts, and the problem occurred because the Grecian widows in the church were being overlooked in the daily distribution of food. Was it racially motivated? Maybe so, but nonetheless the apostles dealt with it swiftly and decisively. They asked the church to select seven men who were full of the Holy Spirit and wisdom. These men were recommended to the elders who then appointed them as the first deacons in the church.

I wish I could say that every time we have had a conflict in the church, the elders have wisely done what the first church leaders did: discern the heart issues, allowed the Holy Spirit to speak and to act, and appointed godly men who could address the problem and solve it. That has not always been the case, but we have learned a few things about dealing with conflict.

First, I believe the Lord has taught us that much conflict comes when people have a different vision or philosophy of ministry. At the core of these conflicts is a difference in principle.

We lost a number of families all at once several years ago who left to start a house church. They wanted a worship service on Sunday morning that was unstructured and "free." They didn't want anyone among them to be called "pastor," lest he be elevated above them in his own mind or in theirs. They wanted each of the cell groups to be churches in their own right, and some even suggested that we not meet but once a month or so all together, and meet weekly in small groups.

I understand that there is a "cell-based church" model that is being used out there, and that's fine. But the elders at this local church don't happen to agree with some of the philosophy of ministry that cell-based churches embrace. We differ in principle.

So, the elders met with the men of these families, and we looked at the issues they were raising. We looked at the Scriptures together. We talked about our differences of opinion, we discussed, and sometimes we debated. In the end, we had to come to them and say, "We do not agree with this vision you are proposing for Antioch. We would like for you to stay with us and be a part of what God is doing here, but if you cannot agree with our direction as a church, it would be better for all concerned if you leave."

Amos 3:3 says, "Can two walk together unless they are agreed?"

In the case of the house church brethren, we realized that we had a different vision and could no longer walk together in the same fellowship. We can certainly walk together in the same community and we can share ministry, eat together, enjoy fellowship, and we must do that for the sake of unity in the body of Christ. But we do not have to be in the same local church fellowship, and in fact, to try and make it work when we are pulling in two different directions would just be misery for all concerned.

We have also had conflict in the church over issues that I considered more "preference" than principle. One of those is the style of music we use on Sunday mornings.

It is the elders' strong belief at Antioch that when Paul said in Ephesians we are to speak to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord (Ephesians 5:19), Paul is saying the heart of worship is the worship of the heart. God is delighted with worship that is reflective of a heart directed toward Him. We worship Him from a heart that is satisfied with Him, delighted in Him. As John Piper says, "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him" (Desiring God, p.10), and that is a heart issue. Is God my delight? Then when I worship Him with song, it matters not whether I sing a hymn or a chorus or a psalm! What God sees is my heart that is turned toward Him. David said, The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in Him, and I am helped; therefore my heart greatly rejoices, and with my song I will praise Him. (Psalm 28:7)

John Piper addressed this in a sermon entitled "Worship That Comes By the Word" in 2002. He says:

"If you don't like (contemporary) worship songs, be careful that you don't get caught up in comparing the worst worship songs with the best hymns. It's not fair! Compare the best worship songs with the best hymns and the worst worship songs with the worst hymns, because there are a lot of lousy hymns, just like there are a lot of lousy worship songs. So be fair in your comparison and your critique of what's happening in worship. But in the best worship songs, two things are happening: The mind is being brought, with God-centered lyrics, in an amazing way, into engagement with God. And the heart, stirred by these contemporary tunes, is being engaged, with tenderness, devotion, enjoyment...at least for millions of people this is true, even if not for a lot of musical classicists. So, I look at this and I am amazed at what has happened, the God-centeredness of contemporary worship songs. God is exalted, He is Lord, He is risen from the dead, He's majestic, He's mighty, He's holy. He has conquered the power of death, He's a shield, He's glory, He's the lifter of our heads, He's great, He's wonderful, He's rock, He's fortress, He's deliverer. He's the coming King, He's the redeemer, name above all names, Messiah, Lamb of God, Holy One, He is God, and Our God Reigns!...It's an amazing thing that has happened in the lyrics of popular worship music. If you don't like the drums, if you don't like the guitars, if you don't like electricity...if you don't like all of that, you still have to admit that by and large the lyrics of this phenomenon are God-ward. They are almost pure Scripture again and again and again, even if sometimes clumsily set to the music. And the hoped-for effect is a relentless addressing of God directly for the engagement of the heart."

Amen!

At Antioch we want to be faithful to keep the good hymns alive, for they are powerful and deep. We also want to be able to sing the older choruses, and learn the new ones that are biblically sound. In other words, we attempt a blended style of worship music, and sometimes we succeed and sometimes we fail.

If someone comes into the church and is convinced that it is a Scriptural principle that only hymns should be sung by church people, they will be frustrated at Antioch, and may leave. Some have done so. Or if someone comes in and believes that since he was weaned on "Relient K" and raised on "Switchfoot," we need a light show on Sunday mornings and maybe even a mosh pit, he will definitely be disappointed. It's not going to happen.

But again, the issue of music is a preference at Antioch, not a principle. If you go to a church and the preferences are different, I believe you should submit your preferences to the Lord and throw yourself into the church as a servant. If you do anything else, it will ultimately lead to conflict. For example, if I went to a church and really hated the color of the sanctuary carpet, I can either close my eyes and raise my hands and worship God...or I can start a whisper campaign in the church that something has to be done about the carpet.

If I select door number one, I will probably find myself growing closer to the Lord, respecting the elders and their authority, and inviting others to my church. And pretty soon, I won't even SEE the carpet! If I select door number two, I will be miserable, the people I speak to will be miserable, the elders will have pressure put on them that they never should have had to deal with, and I will be disobedient to the Word of God because He told me not to let anything come out of my mouth except that which will impart grace to the hearers (Ephesians 4:29).

If you absolutely cannot stand it and have to tell someone, first tell the Lord. Cry out to Him about the carpet or the music or the nursery or the Bible translation that is used or whether the ushers smile or frown when they take up the offering or the women's ministry or the men's ministry or (you fill in the blank) _________________.

Give that some time. Read the Word and pray. You may even want to fast. The Lord delivers sometimes only through prayer and fasting, and He may want to deliver you!

If after 3 months you are still upset, go talk to someone. Go talk to the elders if your concern is something that the elders decided and only the elders can change. Take your concern to them and to them only. Go respectfully, without accusation and without complaining.

Here's the way one person wrote about this issue on an email loop:

I believe too many of us tend to have a Pharisaical spirit that elevates issues of practice and preference to the level of essential doctrine.  Many Christians reject a church (or their fellow Christians) because of "mint and cumin" issues, while neglecting the weightier issues of the heart that our Lord spoke of.  If the enemy of our souls can't defeat us with worldliness and distraction he will use spiritual pride as an evil wedge to divide Christians and churches.  It's a real and present danger for all of us.  (Victoria A. Schellhase, used by permission)

When a certain woman came to our church in 1998, she had not been in a church before where bass and drums were played. She did not really prefer the choruses, and she let me know about it. I would visit her apartment in the retirement village (she lived alone) and we would talk about the Word and about Jesus and about prayer. Every now and then she would look at me, eyes sparkling, and say, "Mark, I thank God for bringing me to Antioch. I don't much care for the music, but that's OK. I love the church. I love the people."

She turned 80 a few years ago, and I started telling her that she is my favorite "octogenarian." (Now there is more than one!) Our visits usually included discussions about the church. Many times she could not come on Sundays because of her health, and she wanted to know what was going on and how everyone was doing. Her eyes would sparkle as she told me almost every time I went to visit, "Mark, I am so thankful that God brought me to Antioch."

And more than once she said, "When I first started coming to this church, I loved that the old were together with the young. The children worship the Lord right there with their parents, and the elderly can take part in the service and be loved by the families. But I have to tell you. When I first came to this church, I couldn't stand the banging of those drums. It would bother me sometimes, and it is still not my favorite instrument (smile). But now I love to be there and to sing praises with my family, and it doesn't matter what type of song or what kind of music. I am singing to the One who loves me and who saved my soul!" Llewellyn went home to be with the Lord a few years ago, and oh, how I miss her! She was a shining example of a dear saint who would not allow preferences to be elevated over principles.

Sometimes church conflicts arise from convictions or principles, as it did in our church over whether the best way to ‘do church' is to meet in homes. Sometimes church conflicts arise from preferences, as they have in our church over music. Or over whether we will have Sunday School or other weekly ‘programs' for the children and youth. We have chosen not to be a program-centered church, and there have been families who left over that issue, and others who would never come in the first place!

Whatever the reason, conflict is inevitable. As Job said, Man is born to trouble as the sparks fly upward. (Job 5:7) A church without conflict is a church without people. Which church, by the way, does not exist!

May I close by saying that the church that will not allow differences of opinion about such things as music styles, in my opinion, is not going to be a healthy church. We must allow the Lord to lead each family and each single to, as Paul said, "be fully persuaded in your own mind." (Romans 14:5) Otherwise we are a church with a list of rules and convictions about "doubtful things" (Romans 14:1) and that will not produce liberty; it will wage war against it. Let's study Romans 14 and the book of Galatians and give each other grace in the areas where there is no clear mandate from Scripture! We will be a much healthier church as a result!

J. Mark Fox

Copyright 2008